God has gifted all of us with certain talents and abilities.  To some, He has given the ability to make people laugh, to others He has given the ability to effortlessly understand numbers and how they work, to others He has bestowed the ability to reach the human heart or to give selflessly of themselves.  To Heather Dorff, God has given the talent and ability to become someone else… and believably so.

I’ve been an actor all of my life, but I’m most-often used for more comedic roles due to my natural comedic ability and timing, and the fact that I look like a reject from a John Candy lookalike convention.  I actually enjoy the more dramatic, darker roles more, and have done quite a bit of that type of work as a voice actor.  But onscreen… well, I just don’t fit the preconceived image that directors are typically searching for in those kinds of projects.  However, Stuart Wahlin, the writer and director for Hand of Glory saw my audition and apparently saw something in me that most other directors had not seen – and blessed me with the co-starring role of “Joseph” in the film, opposite Heather Dorff, who plays “Karen”.  I’m excited about this role because it gives me the opportunity to play a character completely contrary to my natural tendencies and leanings.  I’ve yet to film those darker scenes, but the closer we get to them the more anxious I am becoming.

Heather, on the other hand, is in the middle of her dramatic scenes – tonight being the most intense of them.  Without giving away any of the film’s plot, I will say there is a scene where “Karen” is supposed to be crying uncontrollably.  Heather told us that she’s performed crying scenes in the past, so I expected to see something believable.  What I experienced, however, was so real that I’m still disturbed by it.

Our set has been jovial up until tonight.  Even in the more dramatic scenes we had lots of smiles between takes, jokes about our performances, poking fun at each other and the two cats that seem to always be under our feet.  In one scene I’m supposed to step in and console “Karen” as she is crying – and Heather was very believable.  Heather actually brought out the “Joseph” in me tonight, and every time I hugged her as she cried on my shoulder, I felt my arms tighten that much more around her, hoping she’d know how much I truly cared about her (both as “Joseph” as well as her friend, Darren).  I began tearing up myself, but I’m sure the camera didn’t catch it… this was Heather’s moment.

When I thought it was all over, I saw Heather standing next to the air conditioner, her eyes still puffy, still in character knowing she had another crying scene to do – this one, alone.  Suddenly, it began.  She said, “If you want me to cry, you’d better film it now” and instantly time stood still.  The normally slapstick, sarcastic conversations ceased as we watched this young woman fall apart at the seams.  She began sobbing as if she’d just lost a loving husband of forty years.  She was inconsolable.  The only sound in the room was the sound of Heather gasping for breath as she continued to sob, tears pouring like rain through her mascara, bottle in her hand for added effect.  The director never said “action”.  He didn’t need to – Heather just lost it.

I wanted to excuse myself from the room because it was so uncomfortable.  It felt like hours.  All my life, the fairer sex has come to me for a shoulder to cry on.  Ever since high school I’ve been the guy every girl in class would go to if she needed a hug and someone to give her a listening ear.  I felt helpless tonight.  Powerless.  Sitting there watching a beautiful girl come apart right in front of me and not being allowed to step in to tell her everything was going to be okay.

Suddenly, I heard “cut”.  I don’t know how, but somehow in all of the turmoil, our cameraman, Justin Romine, was able to set up his camera and get it all on film.  When it was all over, Heather gathered herself, sat down, and told us she’d never done that before.  Perhaps not, but after such an intense demonstration and outpouring of solid emotion, I can guarantee it won’t be the last time she’s called upon to do it.

I’ve done a lot of acting over the past three decades of my life, but never before have I felt this kind of impact.

Heather used to be a talented actress.  She used to be good actress.

Tonight, I saw the birth of a great actress.

I’ve actually debated doing a weekly update in an email newsletter form, but not even my mother wants emails from me as often as that.  (Hi, Mom, I love you!) Plus, I don’t always have a lot to say.  It wouldn’t be that thrilling if all I had to report was that I finally finished watching “Dead Like Me” on Netflix and now I’m giving “Jericho” a try.  If this was my wife’s blog, you’d be hearing every single detail about her day, how she couldn’t get her hair to curl “just right” this morning, how she had to go the grocery store to pick up a few items and ended up with a full basket – and then she’d proceed to tell you every single item she picked up during that shopping trip and why she decided to pick it up at that particular store as opposed to the other store she shops at.  Anyway, you get the idea.

As for me, it’s the slow season for comedy, so I don’t have a lot of comedy gigs booked in the near future aside from my live stand-up comedy DVD recording taking place in the Dallas, Texas area on August 5th.  My DVD is tentatively titled “Slightly Irregular” and there’s a possibility I’ll film a portion of the DVD at The Funny Bone in Toledo, Ohio a week or two before – still working out the details for that.

Most of my recent activity has been in the form of auditioning for TV and film projects.  And it’s been a good couple of weeks.

Earlier this week I auditioned for (and this morning was cast for) a role in the upcoming short film “Burnt Out” where I play a less-than-stellar high school security guard named Chet Wilkinson.  (Think “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” but stick him in a high school instead of between the Gap and the food court.)  It’s a small role, but it’s a great comedic character that I am looking forward to portraying when filming begins later this month.

Earlier today I also auditioned for the lead role in a new web series (TV series for the internet – an idea that is all the rage now) called “Hand of Glory,” written and directed by Stuart Whalin.  This is one of the most exciting projects I’ve had the opportunity to audition for, as it is an original supernatural thriller (a genre I’m already a fan of), and the lead character’s personality is similar to my own.  Not sure if I fit the director’s vision of the lead role, but I felt good about the audition nonetheless, and celebrated shortly thereafter by traveling to Wendy’s for a large chocolate Frosty (gotta do something to keep this gorgeous figure of mine).

I’ve also been asked to be available for auditions next week in Milwaukee, Wisconsin for a short film called “Pretty Girl”.  And no, I am not auditioning for the lead role (you smart alack). I’ll actually be auditioning for the role of a doctor – a character that is actually quite older than I am, but the director wanted to see me anyway, thinking I might be able to bring something different and unique to the role.  Let’s hope I can prove her right.

Here’s something I’ve never done before – stand-up comedy for a movie audience.  But I’ll be doing that in July at the Rockford Night of Films & Fun.  It’ll be a bunch of independent films with me and a few other entertainers in-between the films, entertaining the enormous crowd of tens of people.

Also got a call today from someone who’d like to be my PR person.  I guess she liked what she saw on my website, resume, Facebook page, or something.  She decided to give me a holler to see if I might be interested in hiring her.  It’s always good to have someone in the industry appreciate your efforts and call you for a change, as opposed to always calling them trying to get their attention.

I had more good news on Thursday as I met with many other cast members of “Preachers Kids: The Untold Stories“.  We’ll be filming new episodes of the TV show in July and it appears the show will finally be hitting the national stage on the WORD television network possibly as soon as this September.   It will also have a LOT more dates added to the increasingly popular live shows, which are becoming even bigger than the TV show itself!

The director/creator of the TV sitcom pilot that we filmed a couple of months ago (“The Tell-it-Alls”) is speaking with at least three cable TV networks this month, so it’s possible you might see me in a supporting role in a television show in the near future!

And earlier this month I signed with the Steve Holmes NOW Agency that will not only submit me to TV and movie casting directors around the nation, but plan soon on venturing into producing their own films and TV shows; we’re already discussing the possibility of creating a sitcom around me.  (How cool would THAT be?!?)

So… a lot going on.  Lots of irons in the fire.  Downside: no money pouring in just yet so we might be waving “good bye” to Comcast ON-DEMAND for a couple of months.  Upside: lots of opportunities for God to open doors and make big things happen.

For now it’s just that whole “wait and see” thing which I’ve never really been all that good at.  Can anyone relate?

I’ve hesitated posting anything online about our cat, Patches, and her recent personality issues because I wasn’t sure how my wife would react to me posting “family problems” online.  But seeing as my wife never reads my blog, I’m probably okay.

The last few weeks, Patches has become a bit of a… umm… witch.

Robin will pick Patches up and hold her (as she’s done the past seven years or so without incident) and without warning Patches’ eyes will turn black and she’ll growl and hiss at Robin.  It comes out of nowhere, and it’s pretty unnerving.  I man, that hissing sound and black eyes looking right into your soul is just downright freaky.

It was getting so bad that Robin was actually becoming afraid of her own cat.

The odd thing is that I never saw Patches do this to Robin, not even once; I only heard reports from Robin after the fact.  Patches was always fine around me – although I must admit 99% of any attention Patches gets comes from Robin.  Patches gets petted by me maybe once a week.  Robin pets her all day long.

So we called the vet – she said it sounded like it might be a “neurological disorder”.  Of course, that doesn’t sound good.  No one likes being told their kid is mentally off-balance… even if that kid isn’t the same species as you.  So we prepared our hearts for the worst.

Today, Robin took Patches in for the examination.  The vet spoke with Robin, asked tons of questions, and apparently the consensus is just that, as I said above, our cat is… well… a witch.  With a big capital W.

And that’s the determination from the doctor!  Not kidding.

Actually, our cat is very loving and affectionate, but the vet thinks her recent growling and hissing (which, again, ONLY takes place when she’s been held or petted by Robin) is her way of letting Robin know she’s stressed and not all that happy with her “pet human servant” at the moment.  The vet thinks Patches might actually be jealous of other cats in the neighborhood that Robin has been leaving food out for on the back porch.

I can TOTALLY see that.  The food dish the neighborhood cats eat from is right there in front of the glass door where Patches can see it all go down.  These cats are eating what rightfully (in her mind) is her food, and she sees the affection (albeit minimal) from Robin being doled out to other cats.

I guess that would be the equivalent of my wife making us a great dinner, but then me being told I can only have this small sample because my wife wants to share the rest of it with the really good looking male models who will be stopping by frequently at our front door over the next few hours.

Yeah, I’d probably hiss too.

It was an interesting experience when I first walked in. I was 90-minutes early due to an audition a few hours before that had finished up earlier than expected, so I was able to arrive and rest up, continue to memorize my newly-found monologue I’d found the night before that I thought would really show off my acting chops, update Facebook, lose a few thousand dollars of faux money playing Texas Hold-Em on my Droid, etc.

I also took the opportunity to read the script for a movie that I’m being considered for. Sadly, it was a short script. Had it been a longer script I might not have had the opportunity to stop reading and notice those gathering around me.

Models. Gorgeous, female, way-too-pretty-to-be-in-the-same-room-with-me models. It was a bit unnerving. In fact, it was quite confusing seeing as I’m an actor and I was there to audition to be an actor – while I’m surrounded by dozens of beautiful young women whose goal is to be featured on the fashion runways of the world.

I had to be in the wrong room.

But it turns out I was in the right place, and arriving 90-minutes early to an audition has its benefits… like being the only man in the room surrounded by what I’ve just described. And seeing as I’m about 325lbs, this scenario is that much more impressive.

Once the meeting began I realized this was not a typical audition. I’m used to walking in at my assigned audition time, handing my resume and head shots to the Casting Director, doing my monologue or reading the sides for a character in front of a camera, and then leaving.

Uh… no. Steve Holmes wants to challenge you as an actor to see what you have to offer. He gave me a short script to memorize, and told me that would be the script I’d be using for the audition.

Umm, exsqueeze me? Baking powder? (Sorry, Wayne’s World reference.) Do you mean to tell me that I’ve been busting my butt for the past twenty-four hours to memorize a really dramatic and powerful monologue, and I’m supposed to forget all of that and memorize some completely new script in the span of 30-minutes and make it believable in front of a camera? Are you INSANE?!

Apparently, yes. Steve Holmes is insane. I’m guess that’s why he’s as good as he is at what he does.

“Next, you’re going to improv a scene with another actor,” he continued. Gee. Kinda wishing I’d taken that class at Second City that I considered last fall… oh well.

All in all it was a great time today (I survived) – and it just confirmed in me that once in a while, in any career, you’re going to have a curve ball thrown your way – and you need to be able to handle it.

Not that I’m saying I want to work under those circ***tances ever again, mind you. So if you’re reading this and you decide to hire me for your next TV or film project, I would greatly appreciate sufficient time to memorize the script you plan on using. I’m just saying.

• To be able to eat a whole candy bar, alone
• To be able to drink a Coke without any “floaters” from the kids
• To have a 14 year-old answer a question without rolling eyes
• To take her toddlers on a plane without someone moaning, “Oh, no! Why me?”
• To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions
• To get five pounds of chocolate that won’t add twenty pounds of fat
• To take a shower without a child peeking through the curtain
• To hire a full-time cleaning person who looks like Brad Pitt
• To have her teenager say, “Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!”
• To shop at a grocery store that doesn’t have candy and cheap toys at the checkout line
• To have Fisher Price come out with a Play Prison

However, if the Bible is absolutely true (and I do believe it is), how can Harry make his prediction?  The Bible itself says “No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in Heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” (Matthew 24:36) So if not even Jesus Christ himself knows when the end of the world will come, how can some mere mortal on Earth know the intimate details?

Oh sure, he could make a guess at it.  In fact, he HAS…  TWICE now.  Not only is Harold Camping predicting the rapture will take place on May 21st of this year – he also predicted it would take place on September 4th, 1994.

Waaaait a minute.  Does that mean that he was (gasp) incorrect in his prophetic teaching of when the world would come to an end back in 1994?!?!  Gee, let me think… millions of people did NOT suddenly disappear in 1994; the world still DOES exist… so yes, it DOES mean he was incorrect.  So he falsely predicted this once before!

And if the bible is absolutely true, how does Harold reconcile his error with the Bible, that states that even one false prediction makes you a FALSE PROPHET? (And in Bible times, that means being stoned to death!)

Now he says that the 1994 prediction was an error – a “misreading of biblical codes”.  I won’t get started on the biblical code idea except to say I don’t believe in the mysterious “bible code” that’s become popular over the past few years.  It makes for entertaining reading and movies, but God never hides his message to us.  He shows His love for us and His will for our lives plain-as-day in the words of the Bible.  Everything we need to know is already well-laid-out for us.

What concerns me most about Harold Camping and May 21st is the number of people who are being sucked in to this guy’s prediction.  Imagine selling everything, walking away from all you have, thinking the end of the world is coming – and then waking up on Sunday morning, May 22, to find out you’re perfectly fine, still living on Earth, and now have absolutely no possessions, no income stream, etc.  I wonder if Harold will hold Sunday services that day, and if so, what will he say (again) to his followers?  Maybe he kept his sermon from 1994 so he can use it again this May?

Will Harold Camping and his “ministry” come to the aid of these poor souls to help them financially and to rebuild their lives?  Oh, wait, he couldn’t, because if he truly believes this then he wouldn’t have any resources left, correct?  And if he DOES have resources to continue his ministry after May 21st, then doesn’t that just prove that he never really bought into it 100% to begin with?  (Which also makes you wonder how he still had resources to rebuild after the 1994 debacle.)

This is just sad, sad, sad.  I’ve always believed it’s best to live each and every day morally and spiritually as if Jesus could call you up at any moment… but live practically as if you’ll live a very long life on this planet.

If the world ends on May 21st, I’m ready to go.  If it ends on December 21, 2012 (I’m talking to you, Mayan calendar folks), I’m ready to go.  If it ends tomorrow, I’m ready to go.  I have my life straight with Jesus.  But I’m going to live each day as if God has more work for me to do – and if He wants me to work until I’m 110 years old, I need to be prepared for it, no matter what some mere mortal “predicts”.

NEW NEWS…

People earning over $100,000 a year are almost twice as likely to apologize after an argument or mistake as those who earn $25,000 or less, according to a Zogby International survey.  ***MARLAR: And on the off-chance it works in reverse as well, I’d like to apologize profusely to everyone I’ve ever known – and I’ll do so again tomorrow, and the next day.

Here’s a potential boost for the economy: The Internal Revenue Service expects to issue up to $300 billion in tax refunds this year.  The average federal tax refund is about $3,000 this year. The Internal Revenue Service has received a little more than 75 million returns so far, with about 65 million qualifying for refunds.  ***MARLAR: It’s hard for them to say you owe them money when you’re unemployed.

A Beavercreek, Ohio man says his payment for television service was rejected because it wouldn’t cover the $16.4 million he was told he owed Time Warner Cable instead of the usual $80.  Time Warner says human error is to blame for the payment problem. Officials say a worker typed the wrong amount owed & they’re working to resolve the issue.  ***MARLAR: How about giving the guy $16.4-million worth of free cable?

Customer loyalty may be in short supply with bank fees soaring — and consumers will face tough decisions as they consider fleeing longtime banking relationships over lower service fees.  A new poll, conducted by Princeton Survey Research Associates International, finds a majority of Americans say they would rather switch banks than pay higher bank fees.  ***MARLAR: The difficult part will be finding a bed mattress that has a checking account.

RETRO NEWS: FORMERLY NEW, NOW NOT NEW, BUT STILL ENTERTAINING…

The mother of a 6-year-old whose mouth was taped shut by a school secretary is suing the school system.  An elementary school secretary, Jennifer Carter, pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor child abuse charge after the incident. Carter taped the unruly child’s hands and mouth with masking tape.  ***MARLAR: Tape over the mouth is child abuse?  I could sue my parents for millions.

The Kingsport Times-News cites a report from the Sullivan County Sheriff’s Office in reporting 34-year-old James M. Denoon and 18-year-old Anthony Stout were found hiding under a truck at the bakery late Friday night.  The deputies found about $300 worth of stolen snack cakes stacked on the ground nearby.  Finding the accused thieves was easy: The deputies only had to follow their footprints. There was more than an inch of snow on the ground by Friday night.  ***MARLAR: Police said the theft was a real Zinger.

In this case, social networking has gone to the dogs — and that’s a good thing for pet lovers. There is now a canine equivalent to Facebook or MySpace. It’s called Doggyspace.com — and owners of pooches are setting up pages for their dogs, hoping to let the world know about their pets. The Virginia-based site is part of a growing trend of niche, or content-focused, social networking sites that target interest groups looking to connect with like-minded people.  ***MARLAR: And like regular MySpace there’s an age section – but when it says the dog is seven years old it really means 49.

A British celebrity chef says he’s sorry for mistakenly recommending a deadly plant as a tasty salad ingredient.  Anthony Worrall Thompson told Healthy and Organic Living magazine that the plant “henbane” could be used in salads. But henbane, whose name means “killer of hens,” is a toxic plant that can cause hallucinations, drowsiness and disorientation if ingested.  Large doses can kill. Thompson says he meant to suggest using the weed “fat hen,” a member of the spinach family whose leaves are edible. The magazine has issued a correction on its web site.  Thompson says he’s sorry for the mix up, and calls it “a bit embarrassing.”  ***MARLAR: Talk about a recipe to “die” for!

NEW NEWS…

Tax time is just around the corner and if you’re thinking of trying to pull a fast one on Uncle Sam, forget it.  The IRS has seen it all.  Such ploys as filing a “corrected” wage form reporting zero income or trying to eliminate all of the year’s income by deducting it all won’t work.  Then there are people that tell you that wages are not income or that paying taxes is voluntary. This will not earn you anything but jail time.  Also keep in mind, you cannot blame your tax preparer for fudging on your return. The only safe way to avoid paying taxes is to not make any money.  ***MARLAR: Well, looks like I’m okay then.

A 10-year-old boy from California has made it his goal to preach end-times prophecy to all who have an ear to hear.  When most boys are immersed in video games, school, and sports, Rankin Poage from Rancho Santa Fe is spending his time sharing biblical prophecy with adults.  Poage’s interest in the last days sparked when he shared a book report to his class based on a book by Pastor John Hagee on prophecy. The boy stated that the recent earthquakes that devastated Japan and New Zealand are signs that indicate that Christ’s return is near. Poage says he preaches prophecy to warn those who are unaware of Christ’s soon return, and Reese points out that God will use the unlikely and weak vessels to bring his message to the people.  ***MARLAR: I heard the kid is a very effective public speaker – up to the point that he gets cranky because he hasn’t had his nap.

While the 10 commandments doesn’t include:  “thou shalt not eat chocolate cake,”– an unusual new study has found that people who regularly attend religious activities are 50 percent more likely to battle obesity by middle age.  “We don’t know why frequent religious participation is associated with development of obesity,” said Matthew Feinstein, the study’s lead investigator and a fourth-year student at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine. “There have been a number of studies over the years that show more religious people tend to live longer, are less likely to smoke and have better mental health,” Feinstein noted.  “Religious people are doing a lot right, but this is one special area where there is room for improvement.”  ***MARLAR: How can you not know why religious folks tend to be fatter?  Dude, have you not ever BEEN to a church social?  Pot bellies come from pot luck.

E-mail users in North America and Europe who find themselves plagued with the incessant bombardment of spam can blame ten spammers singled out by junk mail fighter Spamhaus for the unwanted messages. The top 10 spammers allegedly send 80% of spam email.  ***MARLAR: If we know it’s just ten guys – doesn’t that mean we know who they are?  Let’s send some Jack Bauer kind of guy out to deal with them and call it a day.

RETRO NEWS: FORMERLY NEW, NOW NOT NEW, BUT STILL ENTERTAINING…

A teacher at a New York City public school has been charged with turning his fourth-grade classroom into a fighting ring.  Joseph Gullotta told two of his students, ages 9 and 10, to settle an argument with a classroom fight.  One of the students suffered a cut lip, and the other sustained a bruised and swollen head during the Jan. 28 incident at P.S. 65 in the Ozone Park neighborhood.  ***MARLAR: Actually, it’s the person reported this that should be in trouble.  After all, we all know the first rule of Fight Club.

Something stinks in Del Rio, Texas, and officials think they know exactly what’s causing it. Del Rio’s Community Health Service Center says they are being overrun by skunks. While the nocturnal animals stink, they do keep the rodents in check. Still, residents have a serious problem cohabiting with the skunks, so officials are offering cages to catch them.  ***MARLAR: Cages to catch then? Wouldn’t that just tick off the skunks even more?

A 76-year-old German man trying to thaw out his car incinerated it instead when he decided to speed things up by putting a blow heater under the hood.  “He burned the vehicle out completely,” said a spokesman for police in the western city of Hildesheim. Police said the man left the heater on next to the frozen windshield washer tank and returned indoors. Shortly afterwards he heard two explosions and returned to find the car ablaze.  ***MARLAR: So if your wife tells you to go “warm up the car”… don’t.

A dog had a lucky escape when a Polish boat rescued him from an ice floe that had carried him more than 100 miles up a river and out onto the icy waters of the Baltic Sea.  “My crew saw… a shape moving on the water and we immediately decided to get closer to check if it was a dog or maybe a seal relaxing on the ice,” Jan Joachim, senior officer aboard the Baltica, told Reuters Television.  “As we got closer to the ice floe we saw that it was a dog struggling not to fall into the water.”  ***MARLAR: Oh… so THAT’S what a salty dog is!

Six minutes ago I received an email from the director of a new TV show sitcom pilot we filmed two weeks ago in Chicago called “The Tell It Alls”.  He just told me, “The ‘Tell It Alls’ got picked up for national distribution. Get ready to work.”

Yep.  I’m going to be a supporting character on a new sitcom on national television.  I’m just praising God right now, having a hard time not running upstairs to wake up my wife to tell her the good news.  I cancelled my radio show because I felt it’s what God wanted me to do – and less than twelve hours later He tosses this in my lap.

GOD… IS… AWESOME.

Details on the TV show will come later.  If you want to follow me you can do so via my website or on Facebook at facebook.com/darrenfans.  Just keep me in your prayers, folks… and God bless.